“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️