[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt
At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
THIS KID’S GOT MY VOTE
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants
I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool
Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.
Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?