@briangaar

[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much

@briangaar

FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can’t find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt

@briangaar

At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers

@briangaar

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@briangaar

Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants

@briangaar

I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool

@briangaar

Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.

@briangaar

Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?