[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I hope they boil the right one.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Worth remembering.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.