My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.