Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.