Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
This fish is cracking me up
i dont have time for this
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.