I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
A small tragedy.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
did it work
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.