If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
You Might Also Like
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Don’t talk down to me
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle