“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds