Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
This will never not be funny 😭
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
the best thing i’ve ever made
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.