If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it