*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*