In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?