if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
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Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I want this so bad
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!