Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.