Are you dating a bunch of bees?
You Might Also Like
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
accurate
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.