It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.