Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
🍞🦆
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.