Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
my mind
You just read my mind
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?