No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
no
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet