*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
every single time
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I love the National Park Service.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.