Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).