@brynnester

Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks

@brynnester

Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way

Will: That’s true

Way: Very true

@brynnester

Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours

@brynnester

[Day 1 Of Lockdown]

Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?

Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s

Wife:

Me: I ate everything else already

@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

@brynnester

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal

@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

@brynnester

Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering

@brynnester

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help

@brynnester

Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints

Me: About the twerking?

Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else