Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt
Teller: And the money?
Bank Robber: No thanks
Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way
Will: That’s true
Way: Very true
Me: I got you these
Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?
Me: Well you said I never buy you flours
[Day 1 Of Lockdown]
Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?
Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s
Me: I ate everything else already
Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?
Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?
Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help
Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints
Me: About the twerking?
Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else