I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
S M O L
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
🤣😈🤣
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.