Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
😬
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I am never leaving this website
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?