[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
i love modern commerce
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Match dot com, but for socks.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?