Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.