Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You are not alone 💚
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.