I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
even bears disappoint their mothers
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.