*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Aight bet
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is