My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no