Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track