Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Blew out my flip flop…
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.