If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”