Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Forever 21… pounds overweight
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.