You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually