I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
birds and squirrels envy us
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?