Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
When he asks for feet pics
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’