@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

@buttsword

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

@buttsword

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

@buttsword

my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.

@buttsword

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no