My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”