@bylinetd

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

@bylinetd

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@bylinetd

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@bylinetd

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

@bylinetd

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.