@byrdie_num_num

We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

@byrdie_num_num

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.

@byrdie_num_num

Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.

@byrdie_num_num

Just updated my resume. Changed ‘ambitious’ to ‘am-no-longer-bitious’.

@byrdie_num_num

Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.

@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.