Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
What the hell happened in there??
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?