@c12h22o11balls: Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
@c12h22o11balls: It's like mama always says, you've gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
@c12h22o11balls: [First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow's can't fly you idiot
@c12h22o11balls: Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he's like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it"
@c12h22o11balls: [Dinner at Arby's]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
@c12h22o11balls: I've just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
@c12h22o11balls: Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don't call me browns
@c12h22o11balls: Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
@c12h22o11balls: Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?