Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of c12h22o11balls's best tweets

@c12h22o11balls : Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

@c12h22o11balls: Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing

@c12h22o11balls: It's like mama always says, you've gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@c12h22o11balls: [First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow's can't fly you idiot

@c12h22o11balls: Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he's like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it"

@c12h22o11balls: [Dinner at Arby's]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

@c12h22o11balls: I've just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@c12h22o11balls: Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don't call me browns

@c12h22o11balls: Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

@c12h22o11balls: Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?