Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
You Might Also Like
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…