hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Interior design 👌
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.