Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
doing some research
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Well, that didn’t work.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes