don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
And that about sums it up.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan