My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at