Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.