My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!